I think I hurt my mom’s feelings when I told her tonight that she probably doesn’t know me as well as she thinks she does. I don’t know if it’s all moms, but Asian moms cannot let their sons stay single. Granted, mine is way more relaxed about it compared to others I’ve seen.
Mom, I love you, but you need to stop trying to set me up with people and letting others you know try to set me up. When individuals who have met me only twice say that they think there’s someone they know who’d be perfect for me, what the hell does that mean? I’ve yet to meet someone who is willing to deal with my shit. The 1990s told teenage boys and young men that they needed to be in touch with their feelings. I listened. And look what happened. Maybe I wasn’t meant for this life that I have now.
I hate that a phone conversation with my mom (one of the only people that I trust with my life) caused these feelings to linger. I have to be up in four hours, and now my brain is tortured.
Shut up. Go to bed. I’m terribly sorry about this post. This is what happens when I let my honesty fly. I’ll try to refrain a little bit in the future.
I just spent some time looking back through Facebook message threads between myself and some of my closest friends, going all the way to September.
Man, this year sucked. But I learned a lot. So there’s that.
I skipped dinner tonight because I had nothing to cook at home and I definitely didn’t want to buy something from a store or restaurant. I had a lot of house cleaning to do so I eventually forgot that I was hungry.
I’m not planning on skipping necessary meals just to save money but I needed to try this tonight. Even if I get that other job, the next month is going to be financially painful. The peace from last night is mostly gone but there’s a shred of it hanging on for dear life in my brain somewhere.
409 on the kitchen countertop. Bleach and laundry detergent downstairs. Arizona black tea sitting in the cup in front of me. Even the sweat that is evaporating from my face.
It feels good to have my sense of smell back.
I just looked at two index cards that I had used for a few quick notes during the past two days. Yesterday, I wrote the date as 8/14/13 and today I wrote it as 3/15/13. It seems odd that I would write the wrong month two days in a row.
Growing pains hurt. But once the initial stretching is over, you realize that you have adapted. And you’re a bit more ready for what’s to come.
I feel peace inside tonight for the first time in a while. Money has been really tight recently due only having one roommate instead of two, my lack of proper budgeting, and other unexpected life events. But I may have found a second job that would be easy, logistics work with flexible hours. The owner of the company knows and trusts me, so he basically told me that the job is mine. I would just have to work out my odd schedule with him soon. I really hope this will work out. The only thing standing in the way is me. So, I guess it’s happening. Normally, the thought of taking on a second job would stress me out. But tonight, due to necessity but also due to the synchronicity of circumstance and opportunity, it feels right.
There are other reasons for the sudden outburst of peace in my heart. A friend that I’ve been helping out with a recent problem is doing better, so that makes me very happy. Our relationship has changed and grown due to these recent events, and I am thankful that I could be there for her.
And finally, I got a Facebook friend request from an old almost-flame who is now married. There was something there for sure that year and we tiptoed around it for a while, but I just wasn’t able to get into a relationship because of the family issues I was dealing with at the time. Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I was being Benny (from Benny and Joon) or Gilbert Grape. But I know it was the right decision at the time. And yet, tonight, I wondered where I would be had I been able to take the plunge. Married to her, probably. Both of us were (and still are) educators. We had very similar ideologies about life and people. And she was a tiny bit high-strung and I was (and still am) fairly mellow. It would have been a great fit. Normally, these thoughts would send my mind into a terrible spiral but, for some reason, there was peace tonight.
I will try my best to go to bed with tranquility intact.
On a happier note, it looks like I will be watching Before Midnight with several INFJs on the 25th.
I didn’t realize there were entirely new mixtures of emotions that I hadn’t experienced yet. I thought I had been through all the possible combinations. Either this is just due to circumstance or there is something seriously wrong with my brain chemistry.